About a month and a half ago, God put something in my life and brought some sin to my attention that I didn't want to deal with. I knew it was there, but I was comfortable in my sin...and even though I knew my focus should have been on God...it wasn't. I went to Caborca and encountered immense conviction about this sin I was dealing with, but my heart was unwilling to change. Conviction was never followed by action.
I tried to prepare for camp because I wanted to grow, but the preparation never really took place and while I thought I was prepared, I had no idea that my heart was about to be broken. I got to camp and was just worried about this situation in my life that I didn't want to deal with, that was distracting me from Christ. My heart was twisted and caught up in emotions. I was focused on other things when my focus needed to be on Christ. I had made the mistake that I think so many of us as believers make, of slowly letting other things creep in and take priority of our lives and become little idols in our hearts.
Luke Simmons taught at Winter Camp about the story of the prodigal son; a story I've heard many a time, but I had never really seen my reflection through it or looked at the story the way Luke told it. Luke showed the father in the story as God, our Father and that each of us could relate with at least one of the sons in the story. I realized that when Luke was talking about the prodigal son, that was me, wild and rebellious, trying to run away from God, asking things from Him, but not actually wanting HIM only.
I also realized that I was the older brother, faithfully serving God, with the completely wrong motives. I was also living a religious life, a life that honored God with my words, but my heart wasn't in it, only out for the same goal, to receive things from Him, but not actually desiring HIM alone.
I had said over and over that I wanted to come home. I wanted to come back to Christ. But, they were just words...and my heart wasn't ready for the rollercoaster that, thankfully, my leader was willing to put me through to bring me back to Christ. I knew ultimately that Christ would bring me home, but I had become too comfortable with my own sin. I talked to my leader for about an hour and a half during our one-on-one and she asked me to make some radical changes in my life. Some of the stuff she wanted me to do, would make me have to give up my sin, but my heart was hard and I was dragging my sin around with me, focused on the sin, and not on God. Thankfully, God was breaking down walls to bring me back home, back to where I needed to be because I wasn't willing myself.
Through the course of one weekend, God was softening a hard heart and a bunch of built up emotions came flowing freely. Since my leader was trying to help me get rid of my sin, my heart responded with anger and bitterness. My sin was still holding on with a death grip, but God is stronger than any sin and He was going to bring me home.
By that night, I was so distracted, frustrated, and confused that it made me incapable to worship. We were singing the song 'Came to my rescue':
Falling on my knees in worship,
Giving all I am to seek Your face
Lord all I am is is Yours
My whole life I place in Your hands
God of mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at Your throne
I called You answered
And You came to my rescue and I,
Wanna be where You are
In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high
While we were singing this song I kept asking God, "I called to You, why didn't you come to my rescue?". I went out to communion, in the bitter cold, with a heart that matched the weather, bitter and cold. I knew that Jesus was bigger then my sin, but why wouldn't he just come to my rescue when I needed Him the most. About two minutes before communion, I came to myself, I had one of those realization moments. I just asked myself, "What are you doing here? How did you get here? COME HOME!". My heart finally broke, the burden of my sin left and I cried out to God and just told Him, "I can't come home on my own! I need you to bring me home, because I obviously can't do it alone". Immediately God took all the confusion, distraction and frustration away and allowed me to see His will in everything, not mine, and I could see the truth that He came to my rescue, it just wasn't in the way I expected Him to; He brought me home. And now I'm sweetly broken.
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees,
and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees,
and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
You draw me gently to my knees,
and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
